I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
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My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
What flavor cupcake are these
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.