My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
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[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Sorry not sorry.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no