“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
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who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
S M O L
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*