getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
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my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?