For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
me adding lol on a serious message
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”