My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
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honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.