Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
dude it’s called proctologist
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…