JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
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“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
The point of your 20s
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious