4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.