Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
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Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”