My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
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Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Name this drama.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Succinctly put.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives