I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
*exercises sarcastically*
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
not for long
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.