Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
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I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
For the baby who has everything
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.