[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
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“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Siri: Retweet me.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?