Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
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An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.