Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
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Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.