If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
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Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks