*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
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Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*