sir, my pâté if you please
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Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
💻🤡
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER