I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
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ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
never ask a starfish for directions
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
He a real one for that
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?