Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.