BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
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You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
normalize having existential bread
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
This meal prepping shit easy
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON