*3.5 thank you very much.
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I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?