A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
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Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no