them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
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I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”