Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Breaking news:
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.