[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
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There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Hey i am sexy to you now
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy