Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
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“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
why I oughta
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
just got my engagement photos
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
this is me
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?