Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
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I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.