Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
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At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The news
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore