me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
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Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
you have three unread messages
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Thinking about Jeff
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough