The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
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Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You鈥檙e fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You鈥檙e fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You鈥檙e fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of 蟺
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Sorry I didn鈥檛 do something sooner, I just couldn鈥檛 tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
They say white people don鈥檛 have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there鈥檚 no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I鈥檝e been smelling all day.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
girl on bumble: hey 馃檪 ur cute but I noticed you didn鈥檛 include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don鈥檛 see why this is important
Can y鈥檃ll please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I鈥檓 not going to watch it I just don鈥檛 want to hear about it anymore.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren鈥檛 keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you鈥檙e colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you鈥檙e going to obliterate the vibe.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Don鈥檛 mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I鈥檇 like you to recognize them individually.
I鈥檓 starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.