I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
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– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
sistine chapel
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Brands during Pride
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!