I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
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I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Huge, if true.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut