[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
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Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
So inspired right now.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
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Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
The little toadstool has spoken.