Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
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*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.