If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
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Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust