FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
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Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me