[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
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I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Just this preview of the story is enough
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr