You Might Also Like
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
getting old is fun
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
How all things should be taught/explained.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.