Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I feel this so hard
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Ok, but like, how married are you?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here