Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
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the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
getting groceries
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?