Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
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“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled