Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
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Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
My boss called in sick of me
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
File under excellent bookstore names.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
what could possibly go wrong?
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.