Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
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Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?