bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
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Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?