My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
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Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO