take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
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Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”