Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
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Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Mission: Impossible
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
inside you are two wolves