[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
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There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
hey, alexa
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]